Lakewood Momfia made an offer former principal couldn't refuse

Residents know who really runs this school.

Residents know who really runs this school.

As Lakewood Elementary runs through another principal, residents have begun to wonder what the real cause may be. 

Sources close to the former Lakewood principal say that Lakewood Momfia, an underground mothers group, leaned on him just enough to push him out the door. 

The Lakewood Momfia is a cadre of mothers in the neighborhood that uses its free time and connections to influence school decision-making. They expect twice-weekly meetings with the principal, a monthly dinner group, and for the principal to let them have free reign throughout the school. 

The Lakewood principal was unable to meet the demands of the group, which meets in a secret, cucumber melon-infused pilates room at the back of Andrea's Italian restaurant on Gaston.  

Recent demands of the Momfia had been for the school to allow them to repaint the front of the building chartreuse, rename the school, and take over for several teachers. Sources say that the school's custodial staff, cafeteria workers, grounds staff, catering and curricular suppliers were all contracts won by Momfia-run companies. 

Meadow Westlake, a third grade teacher at the school, says that a member of the Lakewood Momfia taught science in her class for four weeks because they didn't like the way she was teaching. "There were four of them who just walked into my room with the principal one day," she says. "One of the women whispered into the ear of the principal, and he told me I deserved a long holiday. I was given free tickets to a Power Yoga class for my science hour for the next few weeks, and was told that I would lose my job if I didn't go to the class." Westlake's name has been changed for fear of Momfia retribution. 

While the principal played ball with the local Cosa Nostra for a time, it seems that he woke up with the proverbial horse head in his bed when he would't let the Momfia rearrange the classrooms in the school into an order they felt was more logical for the coming school year. 

The principal was seen leaving Andrea's minutes before he sent his surprising email announcing his resignation.

A Momfia member, who refused to be named, spoke briefly with Fakewood News. "We wanted to change the school the right way, but we couldn't, so we did what we had to do."  

Off-leash dog mauled during evening walk in Lakewood

Local woman Anita Ellsworth walks Marley, her Labradoodle, without a leash every day. Usually she cruises through her tree-lined Lakewood street, with her commonly-named pet in tow, without using any restraints. 

Even though it is against the law, Ellsworth continues to walk her pet unimpeded. "He has never hurt a fly," she said. Ellsworth paid $350 for Marley as a puppy, and the dog has lived a life of luxury and attachment ever since. But after this week's episode, Ellsworth will think again before flouting the legal system. 

On Thursday evening, during her walk with Marley, she took her usual route down Lakeshore Drive, passing three other dogs named Marley on the way. Ellsworth's Labradoodle walked passively, paying these dogs no mind. 

That is when disaster struck.

Across the street, neighbor Fall O. Rools was walking his German Shepherd, Ness, on a leash. Rools is a retired fireman, and his dog is a former police dog from the K-9 unit. While Ness is no longer on active duty, he clearly had some fight left in him. 

Marley crossed the street, and approached Ness, as Rools tried to warn Ellsworth to keep her dog away. Ellsworth was sure she knew exactly how her dog would react in every situation, but this time the animal did something unexpected, as animals often do. 

Ness is trained to take down criminals and approaching dogs alike, and Rools worried what his dog might do to another that approached without a leash. 

Ellsworth yelled across the street, "Oh don't worry, he's friendly!" Ellsworth is not a dog trainer or expert, but felt that her dog would listen to her every command in every situation, and never thought she would need a leash. She sees leashes as a harmful and unnecessary encumbrance. 

Rools again warned her that his dog would not react well to the approaching animal, which is why he had crossed to the other side of the street in the first place. Marley approached, barking in Ness' face, and Ness bared his teeth to the off-leash canine. 

The former fireman attempted to step between his dog and Marley, but Marley maneuvered around him and moved in too close to Ness. Ellsworth watched passively from across the street. Marley gave one last bark in Ness' face and Ness sprung into action, his old training kicking in with devastating affect. 

Rools was forced to punch his dog in the face in order to get him off of the leashless instigator. Ness let go, but the damage was done. Marley had lacerations on his neck and ears, but will be fine after a visit to the vet.

"There is a reason for the leash law," Rools said. "Now my neighbor knows."

Garland Road Chic-Fil-A, Panera and Jimmy John's Will Be Drive-Thru Only

Don't plan on sitting down or using the playscape at any of these establishments. 

Don't plan on sitting down or using the playscape at any of these establishments. 

In a recent development that has irked neighbors and delighted those who use Garland Road as a shortcut to beat traffic, three national chains have decided to offer only drive-thru service at their new restaurants. Chic-Fil-A, Panera Bread Company, and Jimmy John's will not allow patrons to enter the buildings at their new East Dallas locations. 

The fervor that has preceded these restaurants' openings on Garland will be tested by this new development. White Rock Lake residents' love for Polynesian sauce, soup and salad combos and obscenely quick sandwiches can only go so far. 

District 9 City Councilman, Luke Lawton, whose district contains the three eateries, is completely on board. "The new Garland Road Vision is one that causes no one to leave their vehicle. Ever. Our hope is that places like The Lot, Hypnotic Donuts, and the Smoky Rose will soon shut down table service and move this direction as well."

Neighbors have complained that there are too many options for Garland and South Dallas residents who use the road as a thoroughfare, but this new development flies in the face of their wishes. Leandro Benito, a Forest Hills resident, is not happy. "Who knows who could be using those drive-thrus? Murders? Ethnic people? Vegetarians? Everyone knows that upstanding citizens don't use drive-thrus."

As property values along Garland road increase, neighborhoods have gentrified and residents don't want to feel surrounded by fast food restaurants, which are for poor people, according to neighbors. Unfortunately for this crowd, the roads are public and used by hundreds of thousands of people each week, some of whom live outside the tree lined estates that populate the west side of the lake. Apparently these people, even though they can't afford to pay $300 per square foot for housing, also eat lunch. 

Despite these complaints, the restaurants have decided they can reduce overhead and increase revenue by adding more drive-thru windows. They can be outfitted with double-sided windows, and the now superfluous parking lots can be used to line up the added vehicles. 

Chic-Fil-A plans on using the tubes from its playscape to deliver extra-large orders in their bulk drive-thru lane, which will open when the restaurant does. 

Not everyone is disappointed, though. Textan Dryve, a Garland landscape architect, has many clients up and down Garland road and eats in between jobs. "I love the idea of more drive-thru options. It allows me to be more efficient, which small business owners like me need to be."

Chic-Fil-A franchise owner Wof L. Fryze is excited about the new development. "Lunch tastes better when you eat it while driving out of a bag. This summer, texting and driving will be illegal in Texas, so we want to fill that void and be something with which people can distract themselves from driving," Fryze says.  "We hope that our nuggets will be rolling across floorboards up an down Garland road very soon" 

Capitalist Pig vs. Corrupt Union Pawn in East Dallas School Board Runoff

East Dallas politics are heating up with accusations and voting records being thrown around like political Molotov cocktails. 

A proxy war for Adam Smith and Karl Marx. 

A proxy war for Adam Smith and Karl Marx. 

Incumbent and capitalist pig Hal E. Burton is accusing his challenger and corrupt union pawn T. Minster of being in the bag of the evil teachers unions, which want teachers to take naps at their desks, put on a movie every day, and collect a solid paycheck and benefits all the while. Burton's campaign manager, Carnegie Vanderbilt, has accused Minster of being a no-nothing protectionist who wants to keep the unacceptable status quo, where lazy teachers corrupt students with liberal politics and can't be fired due to seniority rules. 

Meanwhile, Minster has put out a series of mailers connecting Burton with the evil capitalist forces of education reform, who want to use big data turn the schools back into factories for Walmart and Tyson Chicken. She is worried that public schools will lose their democratic roots and be run by CEOs that want teachers to be evaluated based on who can use the most corporate jargon. 

In a speech in front of the grungy, World-War II era building that houses the Dallas branch of the AFL-CIO, Minster made connections between Burton and the prison-education complex. "The folks who are funding my opponent also own for-profit prisons where the prisoners work for cents a day producing gas station tchotchkes. They have all the incentive in the world to make schools unbearable, pushing more students to the streets, where they will inevitably end up in prison, thus funding this deplorable cycle," she said. 

Burton, who made a campaign stop in front of the sleek headquarters of Dallas School Kid Project, an education reform think tank, countered with his own claims about his opponent. "Minster is beholden to forces who perpetuate the patronage system that has plagued this city for years. She says that teachers should be paid $2000 for each year they have been alive, whether or not they have taught anyone or even hit a student. She wants to use tax money to give expensive contracts to her family's catering company to provide school lunches for the district. Her cousin owns a fleet of buses that she wants to be our district's bus system."

The challenger claims that the incumbent has never set foot in a voting booth and would rather live in an anarcho-capitalist society where the market is the only rule, while the incumbent says that his opponent has written in "Chairman Mao" for the last 16 elections. 

The debate has divided political blocs, with teacher-friendly democrats being joined by Trump republicans who are suspicious of big business.  On the other side are reform-minded liberals and Chamber of Commerce republicans, who believe that corporate strategies, data, and competition are the answer to the education problem. 

With early voting this week and election day on Saturday, the race looks to be a close one. Voter turnout is expected to be robust, with each candidate hoping to secure dozens of votes on the way to victory. 

Lakewood's Dual Language Program Causes Headaches for Teachers, Parents

Lakewood Elementary is known city-wide as one of the best elementary schools in Dallas, and has led the charge of public school attendance in East Dallas.  Part of the success has been the dual-language program, where students learn core subjects in Spanish and English simultaneously. While bilingualism is great for the students, they can cause frustration for their mono-lingual teachers and parents. 

Una escuela muy confusa. 

Una escuela muy confusa. 

"I literally, do not know what they are saying," says Reed Books, the librarian at the school. "When they come to the library, they speak Spanish, and I am pretty sure they are making fun of me." Books, who is known at school for his colorful sweater and chino combinations, is convinced the third graders don't appreciate his fashion sense. "I may not know the words, but I can understand tone and eye-rolls."

Carolyn Cornelia, a third grader at Lakewood Elementary, responded with shock. "I don't know why Mr. Books would think that, lo amamos y tiene la ropa de un payaso!" This monolingual reporter can only assume the cute, innocent child was complimenting Mr. Books and his wardrobe. 

Stu Dentkar, the Assistant Principal at Lakewood Elementary, is bewildered by the Spanish language and teachers' complaints. "I have no idea what they are saying, but look at them. They are too cute to use their Spanish to plot against us or make fun of us."

Dentkar is known for turning the daily announcements in to a limerick read over the P.A. system every day in class, a beloved tradition he has continued while working there the last 32 years. While speaking with Dentkar, a group of 5th graders could be heard saying, "Sus poemas suenan como un gato moribundo."

English-only parents are frustrated with their inability to keep up with their children's Spanish as well. Alexander Cornelia, Carolyn's father, is worried about the disconnect. "I am pretty sure she is plotting against me with her brother. Every morning over breakfast, they speak to each other in Spanish, and I sit there. unable to understand a word. They laugh and look my way, and I think their conversations have to do with how my keys keep getting misplaced, causing us to be late to school."

Juana Chiste, the Dual Language Director at Lakewood Elementary, was succinct on the subject, "Los ninos son ninos."

Slow Driving Grandma in Lakewood Reported to Police

Lakewood neighborhood watch volunteers and vigilant front-window spies have repeatedly reported slow driving vehicles in the neighborhood. What was assumed to be a thief casing over-priced houses was actually Marie Butterworth, a 92-year-old great-grandmother who was looking to deliver her famous red velvet cupcakes to her family.

This Buick Regal may not get the regal treatment in Lakewood. 

This Buick Regal may not get the regal treatment in Lakewood. 

Captain O. Veritt responded to the call. "Statistically speaking, many known criminals and elderly people drive large, luxury sedans. That slow driving Lincoln Town Car may have Aunt Bernice, or it may have some folks up to no good. We recommend that neighbors have a slower trigger finger when it comes to making calls like this."

Apparently police shortages haven't affected the Lakewood area, as 7 police cruisers swarmed Butterworth's Mercury Sable last week. "I was driving slow because I can never remember if my grandson lives on Meadow Lake or Westlake," she said, as she flipped her heavily used map. "I looked up from the map and saw a whole mess of law enforcement and fiddle-faddle. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong."

As it turned out, the only crime Butterworth had committed was driving slow, which is not a crime at all. "It's a huge waste of resources," said Veritt. "Especially with the pension problems and the city bleeding officers to other departments, we need to be sure before we call in what some paranoid person believes is a criminal. We are giving this elderly woman a stroke while we could be fighting actual crimes elsewhere."

Police have reported over 37 false alarms this month for slow-driving vehicles, wasting an estimated $357,000, according to documents obtained by Fakewood News. Butterworth was neither injured nor ticketed for the cupcake incident.   

Woman Chains Herself to Porch to Save Historic, Coyote Infested Drug House

When it comes to the preservation of old buildings in East Dallas, there is only one priority: preserve the building at all costs. But when one neighbor's public blight is another's architectural significance, things can be a bit more complicated. 

Gaining opportunity, or losing history?

Gaining opportunity, or losing history?

Last week, local woman Tudor Gables chained herself to a 1930s bungalow on her street that was slated for demolition. "This house has a history, and it needs to be preserved. I am not sure what that history is, but its age should be enough, shouldn't it?" 

East Dallas is known for its historic neighborhood protections, conservation districts, and architectural character, but as development encroaches deeper into the neighborhood, economics have often knocked down and paved history.

According to neighbors, there is a pack of violent coyotes who live in and around the abandoned hovel. Neighbor Ethan Ize says 6 cats have disappeared on the street as well. "I have seen a coyote carry off several cats myself. It was horrible," said Ize. "I want nothing more than that house to be gone." Ize is worried that the coyotes will eventually get a hold of his Mexican Hairless cat, Gollum, "I don't want them to get my precious."

Dallas Police Department records show that there have been 17 drug-related arrests made on the premises over the past 6 months. "This is definitely a crime hot spot," says Lieutenant Blyne Justice from the Northeast Division. "We have had reports of meth being cooked here, and everything is dealt from pills to heroin. The number of shoes on the power lines in front of this place caused a power outage last month." 

Gables sealed her fate when she fed the key to her handcuffs to a mangy coyote that had settled near the front door of the tumble-down residence. "The house is occupied, and the owner has the key," she said while fending the mangy canine off with a stick. 

As workers approached last week with bolt cutters to free Gables, she began throwing photographs at them. Gables had been taking photos through the years of all the houses on the block, and she proved to be deadly accurate with the sepia colored card stock, injuring three of the men's corneas.

Neighbors were split on the issue, with some joining Gables on the porch and others bringing their own sledge and claw hammers to join in the demolition. Neighbor Enoch Eitdown was fed up. "Just because something is historic doesn't mean you should keep it," he said. "You don't see too many kids named Hitler these days, even though that name has a lot of history."

"We love our home tours around here," Eitdown continued. "This house could be on the Derelict Home Tour. Tickets include bags of trash, vermin, and tetanus."

At this point, Gables remains chained to the porch, and has taken to eating whatever the coyotes drag home every night. "I am on Whole 30, so this diet actually works great," she said. "Whatever the cost, we have to preserve the history."

Local Man to Vote Based on Number of Flyers Received

If the flyers aren't two sided, color, and glossy, they don't count. 

If the flyers aren't two sided, color, and glossy, they don't count. 

In the contentious City Council and Dallas ISD Trustee elections in East Dallas, one man has given up trying to figure out who believes in what. 

Sevec Dutee has been swamped by what seems like dozens of flyers per day, has read Facebook comments posted by people who are "absolutely sure" the other person is lying and wants to destroy all that the other holds dear, and has taken in numerous pictures with the candidates posing with children, families, and dogs. He has now had enough. 

All four candidates have based their campaign on claims about their opponent that are vehemently denied by their rival. Seeing as Duttee does not have the ability to read the minds of the candidates, he is going to base his vote on who has sent him the most flyers. "It's close right now, so I am going to wait until Saturday's mail to give the candidates one more chance to win my vote. My mailbox is always open."

Duttee hasn't read any of the flyers, but is keeping a meticulous count of how many each candidate has sent him. For him, choosing this way is as logical as listening to any of the pointless keyboard battles raging all around him. 

In both elections, there is a candidate who is backed by Political Action Committees who promote policies that the candidates themselves say they are against. East Dallas voters are traditionally against these PACs throwing their money around to make the city and school district less democratic and more privatized, and Dutee counts himself among them. 

In the City Council election, Matt Wood has the backing of the powerful For Our Community PAC, who has backed the Trinity Toll Road and other corporate elitism, yet Matt Wood has assured voters that he is against the Toll Road. In the Dallas ISD trustee race, Dustin Marshall has the backing of numerous education PACs such as Dallas Kids First, who have historically supported the education reform movement. Education reformers often push for school grading systems, a dismantling of the neighborhood schools, teacher evaluation systems that have been proven to be inaccurate and unfair, and the privatization of the public education system. But Dustin Marshall has again and again stated that he is against school vouchers, despite the financial connection to powers that have pushed for vouchers. 

On the other side of the ballot, there is an incumbent whose favorite negotiating tool is "scarcasm" and a trustee candidate who may or may not know much other than the aforementioned voucher argument and the fact that her student goes to a local public school and her opponent's do not. All four candidates have denied almost all of what their opponent has said about them.

Sevec feels that the more similar two candidates are, the more hubbub the supporters of those candidates make. He feels fortunate to be in such a politically active community who cares about schools and city government, but has become apathetic on the content. "I look forward to doing my own count on election day, and making a decision from there," Duttee said. 


Same 14 East Dallas Residents to Again Determine Municipal Elections

Though the signs are many, the voters are few. 

Though the signs are many, the voters are few. 

Every few years, East Dallas mailboxes are inundated with colorful glossy card stock advertisements promoting and slinging mud upon local municipal candidates. 

To the chagrin of those who work on local campaigns, the same 14 East Dallas residents have decided each of the last 7 municipal elections, due to low voter turnout. 

Ethyl Thomas, Gladys Shersinger, and Inocencia Gonzalez are three retired women who live in District 14, and have voted in every election for the last 50 years. Their votes have been part of the deciding factor to elect the last few school board and city council members. 

"We have the time to do the candidate research, drive around to find the right voting location, and haven't moved in decades, so we are in a good position to be one of the 14 people to decide the election," Shersinger commented. 

"Most people don't know what a school trustee is," Thomas said. "I am not sure I know either, but I have the time and a sense of my civic duty, so I vote."

Seven of the 14 residents who decide the elections are what the neighborhood calls "Lakewood Moms." These upper middle-class women have kids in school all day, spend most of their days at 10 AM exercise classes, planning PTA events, shopping for yoga pants, and compulsively posting on Facebook. Though the don't agree on everything, they all wear athleisure-wear and vote. 

One of these mothers, Stacy Avalon, has hosted both candidates for meet and greets in her modern pool house. The meetings are usually attended only by the 6 women in her book club (which is mostly drinking wine and complaining about their marriages). 

Rachel Meadow, whose White Rock Moms Who Walk group has once discussed politics, is one of the 14 who usually decides these elections.  "I just want lower taxes, better schools, bigger parks, and more policeman keeping us safe," she said, exposing her lack of knowledge about how government is funded.

The final 4 voters who decide the election are made up of two crunchy couples who went to college in Denton and became political activists, the Holgranes and the Kails . They usually hold Kombucha and patchouli fueled rallies through the neighborhood, and have an unsafe number of bumper stickers on the back windshield of their Subarus. Star Kail, who is a professional beekeeper when she isn't painting signs for local marches, sees the advantage in voter apathy. "Honestly, if people don't vote, my vote counts more. I'm fine with it."

Unattended Children Politely Dine Near Cane Rosso Fountain

Toddlers quietly dine at the scene of the crime. 

Toddlers quietly dine at the scene of the crime. 

Restaurants all over East Dallas are plagued by children being children. These young people almost never use their inside voices, get out of their seats, and even spill drinks on tables. Parents, on their rare night out of the house, neglect to patrol their restless children for every second of dinner, and the misbehavior ruins childless diners' chips and queso. 

Thankfully, a ray of light has penetrated the depths of the sea of poor parenting. Neighborhood toddlers Cherubim and Sarofim Grace recently dined on the patio at Cane Rosso without incident, where so many of their predecessors have marauded their way through fountains and Neapolitan pizza alike.  

Though the little ones have a vocabulary of only 200 words, they ordered a PG-13-named off-menu pizza and paired it nicely with a salad and sparkling apple juice. The two quietly conversed at the table while taking their meal, with little to no spillage.  

Their waiter for the evening, Ina Hurrie, was flabbergasted by the Grace's manners. "They always either said or used baby sign language to say please and thank you. Their choices were sophisticated but not extravagant."

A neighboring family, the Lowders, who have three kids of their own, were also shocked by the Grace's behavior. "My little ones haven't even moved past Sippy cups and Tupperware, and they definitely can't eat pizza with silverware."

The Grace toddlers haven't figured out where they would like to dine next, but have indicated that they won't be caught dead at any restaurant with a giant sand pit. 

Family Photo Captures Manufactured Smiles in Manufactured Nature

No one is happy after a day of family photos, but at least everyone looks like it. 

No one is happy after a day of family photos, but at least everyone looks like it. 

If you are of a certain life stage, springtime can mean capturing your family's best side in a Christmas Card-worthy photograph, surrounded by nature.  

The Fassad family, however, has neither the temperament nor the desire to find a real moment of joy and fellowship in nature, so they faked it. 

"Getting the little one to smile in between fits can be brutal," said father Vineer Fassad. "We would rather just put him in front of the television so that his mother and I can check Instagram, but her mother insists on a holiday season card every year, so we have to force ourselves through this."

Selfy Fassad, Vineer's wife, was in the middle of scratching her leg and sneezing during most of the pictures. "I just don't understand why anyone would want to be out here," she said. "We did not move to Dallas to be in nature."

The Fassad family was joined by their photographer N. Abler at the Arboretum, where very little true nature can be experienced. "These curated, non-native plants and flowers are much more aesthetically pleasing when arranged by a professional," Abler said. "Who wants to risk taking a picture in actual nature, where anything can happen?"

"I am so glad they didn't let this area get too wild," Vineer said. "I have driven through some wild areas once, and there was like, no cell reception. It was awful. The grass is much softer, the trees much nicer, and the wildlife much more infrequent inside the fertilized and insecticide soaked walls of the Arboretum."

The photo shoot took over 7 hours, mostly due to the family's hatred for spending time together. "We are a much better family when we can spend all of our time with our own screens," Selfy commented. "During the photo shoot, we had to look at each other or the camera. It was hard to look happy when you have to do something like that."

After an entire day of shooting, bargaining, and Snapchat breaks, Abler was able to get three decent pictures from the Fassad family. Though none of the pictures contain any real nature or authentic smiles, there at least appears to be an unfocused green backdrop and the underlying disgust on the faces of the family is hidden.

"Every third or so family has a huge blow up, and this family was no different," Abler said. I'll never get why families put themselves through it."

City Officials: Abrams-Mockingbird Street Repair Delays Caused by Hacking

Due to hacking, these signs will be staying in the neighborhood a bit longer. 

Due to hacking, these signs will be staying in the neighborhood a bit longer. 

The interconnected world has both champions and victims. The City of Dallas is one of the most recent victims. Neighbors all over Dallas were startled Friday Night when the weather alert sirens rang out near midnight. What was first reported as a malfunction was later corrected to be the result of hackers. 

It seems that the sirens weren't the only city service that suffered at the hands of black hat hackers. "They have struck again," said City Road Tzar Pavely Asfault. "It seems that hackers have taken control of the excavators and bulldozers of our road crews around town, delaying road repairs for weeks. The dust bowl at Abrams and Mockingbird should have taken 10 days to complete. But because of the hackers, it took weeks."

All new city heavy equipment is connected to the cloud to prevent theft and improve maintenance, which has improved repair costs to the city. Unfortunately, heavy equipment connected to the internet has left it vulnerable to digital infiltration. 

Crews all over town have been unable to work due to the shutdown, which had been previously reported as "worker shortage." Everything from the jackhammers to the dump trucks have been shut down and unable to function, and road crews have been left to languish alongside roadways all over Dallas. 

Dallas Off-Road Bicycle Club (DORBA) has claimed responsibility for the hacking, in an effort to snarl Dallas traffic and push people onto two-wheeled transportation. While not known for their digital prowess, DORBA has a passionate following and seem to have developed a new set of tactics to push their cyclist agenda. On the DORBA Twitter feed, a statement read "Get off the roads or your cars will be next #roadhack"

Powers That Be "Just Super Annoyed" with East Dallas

Lower Greenville's local restaurants and walkability are super annoying. 

Lower Greenville's local restaurants and walkability are super annoying. 

Dallas' cornucopia of neighborhoods has something for everyone, unless you are the Powers That Be. East Dallas residents have irked these powers for decades on a number of issues, from tawdry toll roads to inauspicious Applebees. The conflict between Dallas' version of blue bloods and East Dallas upstarts seems to be coming to a head.  

Dallas Citizens Circle Sergeant at Arms Lincoln Paisley is "Just super annoyed" with East Dallas, he recently stated in an interview at Dallas' most exclusive and poorly lit steakhouse. "Why can't they just let us do what we used to do back in the day? It seemed to work out ok for everybody."

Dallasites who have experienced decades of racist housing policies, subpar school systems, and a historic lack of quality green space disagree, and often make themselves heard. 

In reference to the infamous Trinity Toll Road, Paisley complained, "I don't know why all these East Dallas are trying to keep the good people of Grapevine and Las Colinas from getting downtown quickly and efficiently. So what if the highway ruins the city's greatest natural asset and reason for existing?"

"What is the deal with every two or three blocks needing a conservation district or architectural overlay?" Paisely complained. "It makes it hard for developers like me to put ominous and inauthentic townhomes in neighborhoods with historical protection."

"And how am I supposed to know whether a restaurant is any good if it isn't a national chain? If I can't order what your restaurant has on a highway outside of Tulsa, I don't want to order anything at all. Don't people know you can't make any money if you only have one location of something?"

When asked about park space, Paisley lamented, "Why can't these people in East Dallas just be happy with looking at a couple golf courses? That's all the green space we need where I come from. It's green, but all wild plant and animal life has been carefully curated to remove anything wild. No one wants to see a coyote trot across a yard of the month, I can tell you that."

East Dallas is also known for its voter turnout and community involvement, which didn't please Paisley either. "Things work better when these folks just stay out of our way. We know what is best for Dallas. Let us handle the mayor, the city council, and provide 'Focused Leadership for Future Impact,' as we say. All the research on candidates and voting really irks me."

Paisley left with some final thoughts. "The thing I really don't understand is how these East Dallas folks can send their kids to public schools. It is almost as if they embrace the diversity, instead of run from like they did in my day. Why do you think we had all these private schools pop up after  desegregation finally made it to Dallas? These East Dallas folks are ruining all our hard work."


Whole Foods Cashier Holds Up Line with Literary Lectures

Home of cultivated cashiers. 

Home of cultivated cashiers. 

Whole Foods' high wages and conscientious worldview attract a more well-educated employee than your average grocer. But with so much going on in the heads of such a well-educated cashier corps, efficiency can suffer. 

"I just wanted to buy some locally sourced organic leeks for our raw food dinner," says shopper Heath E. Fude. "The line was held up while the cashier was describing the feminist themes in Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Of course I have read it and agreed with his analysis, but our dinner guests were biking over already."

The cashier in question, Charlotte Dickens, majored in 20th Century Escapist Literature at Barnard and is working at Whole Foods while she writes her own novel. It is about how the tortured past of a migrant almond orchard worker comes back to haunt her. "Sometimes I lose track of how many fair trade Challah loaves a customer has bought because I am talking through the internal conflicts of a character in my novel," Dickens says. "I was under the impression that my literary knowledge was an asset for this job."

Whole Foods manager Morgan Ik is unapologetic, and seeks out these types of employees. "Most of our cashiers have Master's Degrees, and our wine bar server is pursuing her Ph. D in Behavioral Science. Serving wine to people too lazy to go to a real restaurant is research for her dissertation." For Ik, the spontaneous academic diatribes are just part of the experience. 

Fude disagrees. "I love the idea that the person ringing up my food could, in theory, discuss literature and fiscal policy. But I just love the idea; I don't actually want them to do so." 


Newer Local Craft Beer Concept Replaces New Local Craft Beer Concept

Craft Beer is on its way out and in. 

Craft Beer is on its way out and in. 

Everyone's favorite local watering hole has been all the rage since it opened. Between social media buzz and award-winning appetizers, it seemed the bar couldn't be stopped. But a recent downturn in sales has caused the establishment to shutter its doors. 

"People love to say craft when referring to what they are consuming," said owner Hops Brewton. "We would literally walk to Whole Foods, buy 24 packs of cans or bottles, and then sell them for three times the price," Brewton commented. "I think people were willing to pay because of all the dirty couches they could sit on."

Since the beginning of February, sales have been down, and after being inundated with business in its first weeks, Hops has had to close his doors after 37 days in business. "I guess people started walking themselves to Whole Foods," Hops said. 

Fortunately for Lakewood craft beer connoisseurs, Hops' concept has been revamped by local owner Chalice Barley, who has a newer craft beer concept in store in the heart of the neighborhood. "I moved some couches to different locations, and to increase the profit margins, we buy our beer from Trader Joe's instead of Whole Foods," Barley said.

The new location will have a soft opening next week. "Honestly, I think most people didn't notice the change," Barley said. "People can still say the word 'craft' when discussing their weekend plans, which is the most important thing."