Lakewood neighborhood watch volunteers and vigilant front-window spies have repeatedly reported slow driving vehicles in the neighborhood. What was assumed to be a thief casing over-priced houses was actually Marie Butterworth, a 92-year-old great-grandmother who was looking to deliver her famous red velvet cupcakes to her family.
Captain O. Veritt responded to the call. "Statistically speaking, many known criminals and elderly people drive large, luxury sedans. That slow driving Lincoln Town Car may have Aunt Bernice, or it may have some folks up to no good. We recommend that neighbors have a slower trigger finger when it comes to making calls like this."
Apparently police shortages haven't affected the Lakewood area, as 7 police cruisers swarmed Butterworth's Mercury Sable last week. "I was driving slow because I can never remember if my grandson lives on Meadow Lake or Westlake," she said, as she flipped her heavily used map. "I looked up from the map and saw a whole mess of law enforcement and fiddle-faddle. I couldn't understand what I had done wrong."
As it turned out, the only crime Butterworth had committed was driving slow, which is not a crime at all. "It's a huge waste of resources," said Veritt. "Especially with the pension problems and the city bleeding officers to other departments, we need to be sure before we call in what some paranoid person believes is a criminal. We are giving this elderly woman a stroke while we could be fighting actual crimes elsewhere."
Police have reported over 37 false alarms this month for slow-driving vehicles, wasting an estimated $357,000, according to documents obtained by Fakewood News. Butterworth was neither injured nor ticketed for the cupcake incident.